For My Soul Mate

I have been crying night after night. You’ve been asking me “why?” but I can’t give you an answer. I know it’s driving you mad seeing me kill myself in my flooding tears.

I’m sorry.

It’s just that my thoughts cannot transform into words as the pain that has been eating my soul is very overwhelming and words can hardly explain how I truly feel. If you only know how frustrated I am with myself, being unable to share to you what is sitting in my heart- the deepest desires and disappointments I have been contemplating for the past few days. If only you have any idea how aggravated I am for feeling inferior when I know I should be strong. I know you were drawn to me for my sense of confidence and my regard to my self-worth and it’s disappointing for you to see me like this.

I have been dying to tell you how I wanted you to comfort me in my darkest hour, how I long for you to embrace me while my body shivers upon hearing the voices of the demons of my past and the shadows that I have created myself. However, my fears are getting the best of me. My thoughts and my heart are craving for you, but the words coming out my mouth are the exact opposite of what I really wanted to happen and what I really wanted you to do. I keep on driving you away, telling you words that cause you pain and confusion. I keep on pushing you to your limits in a negative way so that you may think that you don’t deserve me, as much as I don’t deserve you- or so I thought.

I keep on telling you to go back to your family. I wanted you to go home and stay away from me. I failed to realize that I don’t have to tell you that, since you have always been home, for I am no longer a stranger to you. I am you, and you are me. I am your family. I am your home, so I have to keep you safe and sound, and you have to keep me just the same.

I’m sorry.

I have been regarding myself less than what my real worth is. I’m feeling this way because a part of you makes me feel this way. There are times when I feel like you are beyond my reach and I can barely have you, though you are here with me physically. Again, voices keep on impressing to me that I cannot have you for too long, and soon enough you will leave me and you will never see me again. The thought of you leaving me drives me insane and I cannot bear with it, which is why I am making the first move to compel you so that I will never ever have to wake up one day realizing that you already left me and I am dejected once again.

My extreme fear of losing my partner, my best friend, my best critic, my worst enemy, and my soul mate brought out the worst in me. For several days I have been depressed, misguided, felt unwanted, anxious, and yes maybe I have experienced lunacy. All of those sank in my blood streams and I have done and said a lot of illogical things. For a moment, I have forgotten who I am, just because I am deeply in love.

But now, I am starting to realize that I have to go back to myself. Once again, I have to find my real self so that I can continue to love you and express that love the right way. Yes, I have become obsessed for the reason that you are the best that I have now apart from my family who are obviously irreplaceable whether I like it or not. Apart from my parents, you are the only one who have loved me and accepted me for who I am. You never judged me. You just embraced the person that I am and I thank you for that. Because of you, I love myself more. I am learning to give myself what is really due to me. I am learning to appreciate myself for what I can and cannot do.  

It is true that for the past few days, I have been battling with myself. For the past few days I have been walking astray. Thank you, because you have been patient with me. Thank you for trying to read between the lines and trying to understand my point of view, even if we both know that we are looking at things in different perspectives. Thank you, because you are struggling to put an end to my inner struggles and for pulling me back on track where you and I can journey together. Thank you, for giving me an assurance by hugging me while I’m trembling in the dark. Thank you for struggling with me and for seeing my beauty in my most ungraceful moment. Thank you for making me feel that I am loved, just when I thought I have lost it. Thank you for stressing out that I am imperfect, and our imperfection makes us perfect for each other. And lastly, thank you for making me fall in love with you over and over again.

I am in love with you. And I will always do.