Blame it to the Quotes

At the age of 27, I can say that I've been through a lot in my life. Some of my friends say that I've been through circumstances that I shouldn't have been through at a very young age. Whenever I hear this kind of comment before, I felt nothing but pity for myself. Whenever someone sympathizes with what I've been through, it made me feel that my self-esteem is draining like water in a pail full of holes on it. I felt bad about myself, and I see an ugly person whenever I see myself in the mirror. I really felt hopeless.

I tried to enjoy with friends. I went out with them and met new friends and in the process, I met people who instead of making me feel better about myself made me feel even worse. Remembering them made me hate almost everyone and it made me question God's intentions in my life. I always knew that life is unfair and it's even more unfair for me. I'm saying this because for me, I have invested a lot of myself to those people but everything that I have invested -time, effort, money, love- were never appreciated.

It came to the point where I no longer go to church. I don't even consider being a part of any religious sect or whatever you may call them. It's not because I don't believe in God but it's just that, I don't feel like being in a place or be with a group where everyone believes that all circumstances that are happening in every person's life is God's will. How can a loving God allow His people to suffer? (That's what I thought).

I believe in God, in all the things that are in the heavens and everything underneath, but I just don't feel like being a part of a what-so-called as religion. I just wanted to be a wanderer in all my spite.

Lately, things change. Maybe I was the one who changed.

About 2 months ago, I was hired as a Virtual Assistant specializing in Social Media. My boss assigned me to get a lot of inspirational and motivational quotes. At first I don't get it. I don't know why I was assigned to do such task when I think I can do more important things, but as an employee, I have to do what I was asked to do. Everyday, I read those notable quotes from different successful people from different fields and reading them everyday shifted my way of thinking. the truth is, I never noticed that my mentality is changing little by little. 

It got into me that life is just a matter of perspective. I just needed a paradigm shift to change the way I feel and I know later on it will change how I run my life. Thanks to my boss, he inspired me check my mindset and correct what needs to be corrected on it. I took his advise that I have to be selective of what I feed my mind, because whatever I feed my mind sinks in my heart and that drives what I feel about myself and how I look at life in general.

Sometimes I have episodes of depression. I remember everything that happened to me. I recall those people who exceptionally hurt me and my being. I remember all the words that brought scars in my heart and in my soul. There are times I cry alone just to vent everything out, but after I cry, it's like there is a release of a heavy luggage. I may have cried but I no longer dwell on it and I no longer feel bad about myself. I no longer pity myself because I know deep within me is a load of strength waiting for the proper time to be unleashed. Another thing is that, maybe I have forgiven myself for allowing unworthy people to bruise who I am. I have already accepted that those events are over and done and there's no use holding any grudge, because whatever hatred I have in my heart kills me, not them.

I have resolved that I will feed myself with positive thoughts to reinforce the person that I am. No more regrets and no more bitterness. In regards to my spirituality, I still consider myself as a wanderer, but, I'm willing to venture so I could believe once again.

Philippine Politics I

Last 2013 election is for me the most disappointing election ever. There had been a widespread campaign for all the citizens of this country to cast their vote wisely, but I guess we are very, very far from having an intelligent vote.

With all honesty, I really do hate Philippine Politics due to these reasons:

I. No Integrity

Have you ever seen a person guilty of crime get elected? Only in the Philippines will you ever see a rapist, a military rebel, a thief, a person guilty of concubinage, guilty of felony, and cheaters get elected in the office. In some countries like Japan and United States, politicians who are dragged in disgraceful circumstances are forced to resign from their post, or worst they tend to commit suicide due to humiliation. Here in the Philippines, such instances are used as publicity. Whether it's negative publicity or positive publicity, it's still publicity and what is bad about this is that, publicity creates them as household names and during elections, it is them whom most of the countrymen remember, thus, they vote for them even if they are good for nothing.

II. The Hideous Mud Sling Shots

Oh this is very common during election period. Everyone throwing a piece of their speech against their opponent and along the way, some act as if they are holier than thou. Again, with all honesty, it's really annoying because everyone's attention is shifted from the political platform to the hottest scoop about the running politician. During election period, a lot of secrets are revealed and a lot of stories are invented, too. This is the time wherein we the ordinary people "discover" the so-called secret transactions, hidden agendas, and the likes. Again, some of them are true and some of them are made up stories. Whether the stories are true or not, some people will believe it. Majority of the people are more interested to the scandalous political lives of the politicians and everyone seems to forget why these people are running for the office. Most of the citizens of this country tend to overlook what is really important which is scrutinizing the agenda of these politicians. The Majority is easy to get entertained by the Zarzuela played by these politicians who are plainly acting for their own benefit.  

III. Lies

Politics in the Philippines is a hyperbole. I think all of them have the potential to become a great script writer or perhaps, the greatest storyteller of all time. Some politicians in the office are not even college graduate; however, I think they have gained their Master's Degree in LYING, CHEATING, and STEALING. I know everyone lies, but then again, this is too much. I am so sick and tires of listening to their empty promises and how they perfectly deliver their speeches during debates. They talk as if they can manage. They talk as if they can deliver, but look at our country now. Like the usual, those are just empty words. I don't know where their promises went to. Perhaps in their pockets? Or is there another Jose Velarde account somewhere?

IV. Political Ads

Only in the Philippines will you ever see a politician dance like crazy or sing like there's no tomorrow in front of their constituents to gain votes. C'mon! Seriously?! Is dancing or singing relevant to the office of the Senate or Congress? What happened to the political platforms that are supposed to be discussed during their meeting de avance or whatsoever gatherings they have to present their motives for their constituents or to their people? Again, majority of the citizens of this country overlook the real motives of the politicians and they will tend to vote for the one who danced or sing during the politicians "show" or they will vote for the one who has catchier jingle on TV. How convenient, right? It’s just another product of their lies.

V. Political Dynasty

And the grandfather of all forms of corruption: The Political Dynasty.

Politics is not just any other business, it's their family business. 

Only in the Philippines will you ever see an entire family holding a position in the government. Somewhere here in this country, residing a family whose father is a senator, the mother is a congressman, the son is the governor, the uncle is the mayor, and so on and so forth. Oh, have you noticed that the daughter of our dear Vice President is now a Senator? Well yes she is, but the question is: is she qualified for the position? Her father said that her edge in the Senate is he is his daughter. Now, that's what I call qualification. This is such a classic example of political dynasty. I'm not against them. I just find it weird that she ran for the said position because "she needs to fill in the gap for their political party" and they are confident that she will win because her edge is that she is "the Vice President's daughter". And guess what, they were right, they won even if she has no strong political platform. I haven't even seen her that much during Senatorial debates and the likes but what can we do, she won without sweat and she's so successful in filling in the gap not just for their political party but for their family as well. Talking about money and power; It is business, right?

Aside from the ones given above, I still do have a lot of sentiments about this devastating situation. How I wish one day this country will wake up and start thinking about what lies ahead. This generation has been installing trash in the political arena and it's getting worse every election. Now that I am coming of age, I still wanted to be hopeful, however, there is a part of me that wants to step back from all my hope for this country and I wanted to say to myself that this could probably it for us. Sometimes it feels like there's no more hope for this country because it looks to me that the majority of the citizens of this country is digging a big hole for all of us. I just hope that we as people will come to a point wherein we all have had enough and start practicing our right to suffrage in a more intellectual way. Looking at the Senatorial and Congressional body, I still see a few good and honest politicians and because of them I am still keeping my hope up. I just hope that it won't be too late for all of us before we realize what this country really needs.

In the Midst of Me

Why do I doubt You oh Lord when You have continuously proven Yourself to me?

Why do I doubt You oh Lord when You have told me that You have chosen me?

Why is my heart tangled in a series of questions questioning Your existence if I have seen how You have worked in my life?

Why am I feeling alone when I know You have promised me that You will never leave me nor forsake me?

Why am I like this?

Lord is there something wrong with me?

If there is, then make things right for me.

Is it my faith?

Then embrace me even more so that my mind won’t fool me and start raising questions that are not supposed to be raised.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord because I wanted to see You once again.

I wanted to see Your face and keep my hope up just like before.

Did I walk astray?

In my path it seems that You’re not there?

Please straighten things out for me because I cannot figure this one out on my own.

My body is cold and my spirit is weak

Embrace me Lord and keep me warm in Your loving hand

I have fallen and I can’t stand on my own.

Raise me up again and let me hold Your banner in this warfare

Anoint me and I will be Your warrior.

Why do I still doubt You?

It is my faith.

It is the barrier that I have built between us.

Crush this shell in my heart like the way You have crushed the walls of Jericho

Marry me and dwell in my temple as You have promised

I know You have chosen me amongst the others

Save me from myself for I am causing all the doubts in me

Sanctify me.

Purify my mind.

Break my heart and make it Yours just like what You have promised.

In the midst of my doubts I know in my heart You will come and save me.

A Moment of Contentment

I lay here on our bed

Hiding under the sheets while cuddling the pillows

I look intently on the man I’ve longed for so long

He placed his fingers on the strings

Strumming and singing his song away

Rejoicing with the soothing and calming melodies

As the rain pour down in this cold vivid night

We stay within the four corners

Blissful and contented

Passionately sharing the warmth of our devotion

I just recalled that when I was still in high school, I always wanted to have a boyfriend who knows how to play an instrument. I guess that’s one of the reasons why my first boyfriend happened to be a drummer in a band. I always wanted to have a drummer boy. I don’t know why I was so attracted with drummers. They were the first one I focused on whenever I watch a live band playing. My first boyfriend also knew how to play the guitar and I enjoyed it because my sister and I can sing as he plays. Later on I realized that I wanted to share my life with someone who can both play the guitar and sing (since my ex-boyfriend was and is a terrible singer, we prefer him to play the guitar and drums instead)

I had quite a few relationships after that but they were frustrating because they were not into music. All of them can’t play even just one musical instrument (which I think is stupid), however,  one of them was a vocalist in a band playing half-baked rock songs (well that’s how I call it) but he got a terrible attitude problem.

I love music and it was exasperating to be with someone who doesn’t give a damn about it. I grew up listening to different musical genre and I grew up enjoying music with my family and because of that, I can’t imagine myself growing old not having music as part of my life. For me it’s like rice in every meal; staple. Life is never complete without it.

Now I’m here on my bed, staring at the person whom I decided to spend my life with, with his guitar, carelessly singing songs that he wishes to sing. I enjoyed watching him as he search for each note, each tone and each tune, and it’s fun laughing with him as he commit mistakes. While staring at his eyes, I tell myself that finally I found my musician. I finally found my match.

This is how I imagined my life until the day I pass away; sharing each night drowned in music with my soul mate after spending the whole day fighting with life’s hardships and struggles. I wanted to grow old singing with the person who makes my heart sing and my soul dance. In music, we find home as we embrace comfort with confidence knowing that we will always be like this until our voices wither and our hands stiffen and can no longer hold any instrument. Through this, I can spend eternal life happily knowing that I am fulfilled in my lifetime on earth with him.

Entwined

Every day we carry on to our separate worlds doing what we were designed to do

As we play our role, we become part of the setting that we chose to be in

It doesn’t matter how far our worlds are once the sun rises because once it sets, our worlds never fail to coincide

In their union our home is built and there we find comfort

In their union our hearts are granted with contentment and serenity

As our worlds meet, our hearts unite

I blissfully hide in the shadows while you are savouring the lime light

I merge in your crowd while you enjoy your moment on center stage so you can confide who you are and what you are capable of

In your journey to climb your chosen mountain, I stay in its feet waiting for your return to hear the story of your adventure

While you try to go up the ladder, I stay at its base making sure that you won’t fall or in case you do, I am there with you when you hit the bottom

By the time you sign off and the others no longer listen, you got my ears tuned in to you until your heart finds its rest

You’re aware that I’m a full of defects and there’s only so much that I can do

In my homelessness you offered your arms to cradle me, allowing me feel that it’s alright to be imperfect

In my flaws you find precision

In my weakness you find strength

In my faults you find charm

In my whole being you find beauty

The set of eyes you have captures what is in the heart instead of seeing what is the obvious

To you I’m not just a woman, but the vessel of the lost other half of your soul that you fortunately found

We celebrate life as we go with the rhythm of our worlds that nourishes our individual growth without destructing the other

We set forth each other to bloom to replenish our being that prevents us from drying

Our love is in freedom with exclusivity and mutual respect that others admire and others criticize

Nevertheless we are each other’s colour that completes our life’s masterpiece that no one can deny and no one can take away

Our Passion

Dedicated to Nong Ian

Meet the BACOLOD BATTLE BOYS

Once the music starts to play, I have this inclination to unconsciously close my eyes and deeply pay attention to its rhythm and harmony. When my eyes are closed, the musical score speaks to me more intimately than ever. The longer it is close, the further I allow music to reach my soul. As my eye sight slumbers, my ears are magnified and a new dimension welcomes me to be one with the spirit of the Greatest Composer of all time. With my ears unwrapped, I isolate the resonance of each instrument and appreciate how every note take its part in the totality of the composition.

Music is a divine tool inculcated amongst us. It is embedded in our being which allows us to be in touch with others and have a spiritual journey with nature and with the Supreme Being. It is the language that the spirit has long been aware of since the time of creation. Given that the spirit is familiar with music; it has a direct influence in our body and in our soul that affects our disposition. It was carefully designed by God to reflect what words cannot duly express and it can fathom what intellect cannot comprehend; more like the mirror of the psyche and the heart.

Mhandatus

Music is a gift from the Almighty that’s why it deserves reverence and adoration. It is the best companion that we can have for it is able to truly understand and accept who we are as a person. It is a friend when nobody else is there to comfort, to give happiness, to inspire, and to give wisdom.

Music bridges the gap between the visible and the invisible, the known and the unknown, that’s why when notes come together, harmony, will turn into a magical experience. As music passes through the ears, we get to taste one of His finest creations that we can enjoy and own. Once it gets inside our body it goes straight in our mind and sinks in to the heart. Once it is bonded with the heart, we also bond with God.

Music is powerful. It can destroy barriers, at the same time; create a relation between people from different walks of life. It is able of rebuilding the broken spirits, and it has the ability to shatter defences. It can put a halt to what seems to be a never ending war. Together with time, it can heal wounds that could lead to acceptance, afterwards forgiveness.

Soltera

Music is like blood being pumped in the heart that runs through the veins. It gives strength when the soul is weak. It gives life when the conscience is dead. It feeds the spirit when it is hungry. It comforts the heart when it is in sorrow or grieving.

Music is like a drug that you can’t get over with. It is like food and air that you can’t live without. It is our deliverance from life’s routine. It keeps us alive and appreciates our existence in this world. Music is love. It is passion. It is reverence. It is wisdom. It is pride and honour.  It is an art. It is culture. It is everything.

Music is life and life is music.

Reflection: NEVER JUDGE

We hear this all the time but we seldom practice it. This is very basic but we tend to forget about it all the time. We don’t want to become a victim of it but we continue to do it to other people.

My character has been assassinated for several times. In fact, if my character has a physical body of its own, it could have been dead long ago. My character has been killed by schoolmates, teachers, even by our school principal when I was in high school. It has been killed by my ex-boyfriend’s neighbour, even by people who are not related to me or people whom I haven’t met.

I guess people misjudged me because I was always being misunderstood. My actions were being criticized and people who see my actions take them out of context, and the misinterpretation turn to words being passed on from one person to another who also have their own interpretation. At the end of the day, the story is entirely different and most of the time, the story is no longer true to its original context, not even close.

Everyone has experienced this. After all, all of us are human beings. When we experience this, we feel like victims of undue circumstances and it seems that people around us are so unfair because we were not given the benefit of the doubt. We perceive it as trial by publicity and in that situation, we feel like we are being deprived of defending ourselves by any means.

I hate encountering this, and indeed it seems unfair however, as I reflect on my actions, I realized that I too had killed someone else’s character one way or another: a radio or TV personality, a church mate, school mate, colleagues, friends, or even relatives. When I ponder on it, I think life is not really that unfair. What I do to others, for sure that’s what I’m getting as well, only in different intensity or approach that’s why at times I think it’s unfair.

I admit that I had and have misjudge a good number of people, and I’m 100% sure that there are a lot of people who did that to me as well, and I can’t blame them. After all they are just human beings just like me. I may have the right to get angry and feel hatred for awhile and no one can take that from me because anger and hatred itself are not sin but a form of catharsis which needs to be released to relieve the heart, the body, and the soul. However, I have a total control of that anger and hatred so that they won’t turn out as sin or any form that could lead to negative consequence. Other people have the same right, too. It’s just that I don’t have the control in their emotions and how they will release that tension. Again, I can only control myself not others.

Since I have the full control of myself, the least that I can do is to control my way of thinking. If I try to understand people more –like where they are coming from, why are they acting that way- I can encounter a certain paradigm shift that could lead me not to misjudge or take the action of others out of context. Since I have the full control of myself, I can practice that new paradigm mentally which later on can turn to habit that will sink in my heart which will become behaviour and later on will be my attitude.

Indeed, I cannot control what others may feel or how they will react in certain situations but in that paradigm shift, I could influence others to at least try to sort things out and be wise enough to think first before acting. To give a benefit of the doubt first before jumping to conclusion that could only lead to never ending arguments and etc.

Word is a powerful tool. For me, it is sharper than any blade, and it is faster to kill someone than a fired bullet. Once the word was said, it can never be taken back. Once it bruised the heart, it will take a lot of time –maybe years- to heal the wound that it caused. Once the word is said, it is irreversible and once the damage has been done, it could be irreparable no matter how hard you take back what you have said. I read from a book that God is in the word so it should be treated with reverence. I guess it’s true enough, basing on the experience of everyone.

Given these, I think communication became harder for me. I know myself and I know for a fact that I am not very good at it. Most of the time I don’t know what the right words to say or how I am going to say things, that’s why I can’t blame others if they misinterpret me. It’s embarrassing but the truth it, there are times wherein I don’t mean what I say, and I can’t really say what I mean, that’s why whenever I pray, I ask the Almighty to grant me with discerning spirit so that I could deliver what I am suppose to deliver, and hopefully people will understand me better so that I won’t be taken out of context.

I think that’s what the problem is. We are just careless. We are not sensitive enough in expressing ourselves that’s why people misjudge us. Like in my situation, I treat or expect everyone that they are highly educated, could ride in my kind of humour, and broad-minded in all topics. I admit that sometimes I am not sensitive enough to consider that not everyone is highly educated, not everyone could consider my jokes as humorous, and some people are just narrow-minded. I think that for me, I have to be careful since I encounter people from all walks of life. I have to be considerate on other people’s background and hopefully it could help me have a better and lasting relationship with them.

This world is very complicated. All creations are so complex and very hard to understand, but I guess that is the beauty of creation. Everyone’s uniqueness is an added spice in this world. I guess all of us are not obliged to understand everyone. I think God is not expecting us to understand the complexity of the world and I guess He is not expecting us to have the accurate answers to life’s questions. We can never comprehend His majestic creation but we can accept it with all its complexity including those people who seems to be too complicated for us to handle. We just have to accept things, events, or people around us, and never try to know it all because when we try to know everything, we tend to assume, and assuming could lead us to misjudging or misinterpreting people, thus, we fail to accept and appreciate the uniqueness of each individual.