Reflection: NEVER JUDGE

We hear this all the time but we seldom practice it. This is very basic but we tend to forget about it all the time. We don’t want to become a victim of it but we continue to do it to other people.

My character has been assassinated for several times. In fact, if my character has a physical body of its own, it could have been dead long ago. My character has been killed by schoolmates, teachers, even by our school principal when I was in high school. It has been killed by my ex-boyfriend’s neighbour, even by people who are not related to me or people whom I haven’t met.

I guess people misjudged me because I was always being misunderstood. My actions were being criticized and people who see my actions take them out of context, and the misinterpretation turn to words being passed on from one person to another who also have their own interpretation. At the end of the day, the story is entirely different and most of the time, the story is no longer true to its original context, not even close.

Everyone has experienced this. After all, all of us are human beings. When we experience this, we feel like victims of undue circumstances and it seems that people around us are so unfair because we were not given the benefit of the doubt. We perceive it as trial by publicity and in that situation, we feel like we are being deprived of defending ourselves by any means.

I hate encountering this, and indeed it seems unfair however, as I reflect on my actions, I realized that I too had killed someone else’s character one way or another: a radio or TV personality, a church mate, school mate, colleagues, friends, or even relatives. When I ponder on it, I think life is not really that unfair. What I do to others, for sure that’s what I’m getting as well, only in different intensity or approach that’s why at times I think it’s unfair.

I admit that I had and have misjudge a good number of people, and I’m 100% sure that there are a lot of people who did that to me as well, and I can’t blame them. After all they are just human beings just like me. I may have the right to get angry and feel hatred for awhile and no one can take that from me because anger and hatred itself are not sin but a form of catharsis which needs to be released to relieve the heart, the body, and the soul. However, I have a total control of that anger and hatred so that they won’t turn out as sin or any form that could lead to negative consequence. Other people have the same right, too. It’s just that I don’t have the control in their emotions and how they will release that tension. Again, I can only control myself not others.

Since I have the full control of myself, the least that I can do is to control my way of thinking. If I try to understand people more –like where they are coming from, why are they acting that way- I can encounter a certain paradigm shift that could lead me not to misjudge or take the action of others out of context. Since I have the full control of myself, I can practice that new paradigm mentally which later on can turn to habit that will sink in my heart which will become behaviour and later on will be my attitude.

Indeed, I cannot control what others may feel or how they will react in certain situations but in that paradigm shift, I could influence others to at least try to sort things out and be wise enough to think first before acting. To give a benefit of the doubt first before jumping to conclusion that could only lead to never ending arguments and etc.

Word is a powerful tool. For me, it is sharper than any blade, and it is faster to kill someone than a fired bullet. Once the word was said, it can never be taken back. Once it bruised the heart, it will take a lot of time –maybe years- to heal the wound that it caused. Once the word is said, it is irreversible and once the damage has been done, it could be irreparable no matter how hard you take back what you have said. I read from a book that God is in the word so it should be treated with reverence. I guess it’s true enough, basing on the experience of everyone.

Given these, I think communication became harder for me. I know myself and I know for a fact that I am not very good at it. Most of the time I don’t know what the right words to say or how I am going to say things, that’s why I can’t blame others if they misinterpret me. It’s embarrassing but the truth it, there are times wherein I don’t mean what I say, and I can’t really say what I mean, that’s why whenever I pray, I ask the Almighty to grant me with discerning spirit so that I could deliver what I am suppose to deliver, and hopefully people will understand me better so that I won’t be taken out of context.

I think that’s what the problem is. We are just careless. We are not sensitive enough in expressing ourselves that’s why people misjudge us. Like in my situation, I treat or expect everyone that they are highly educated, could ride in my kind of humour, and broad-minded in all topics. I admit that sometimes I am not sensitive enough to consider that not everyone is highly educated, not everyone could consider my jokes as humorous, and some people are just narrow-minded. I think that for me, I have to be careful since I encounter people from all walks of life. I have to be considerate on other people’s background and hopefully it could help me have a better and lasting relationship with them.

This world is very complicated. All creations are so complex and very hard to understand, but I guess that is the beauty of creation. Everyone’s uniqueness is an added spice in this world. I guess all of us are not obliged to understand everyone. I think God is not expecting us to understand the complexity of the world and I guess He is not expecting us to have the accurate answers to life’s questions. We can never comprehend His majestic creation but we can accept it with all its complexity including those people who seems to be too complicated for us to handle. We just have to accept things, events, or people around us, and never try to know it all because when we try to know everything, we tend to assume, and assuming could lead us to misjudging or misinterpreting people, thus, we fail to accept and appreciate the uniqueness of each individual.

Beer and Cigarettes

“Wow! Look at that!” She admired the dark sky like she never did before. The heaven was wrapped with numerous illuminating stars and it looked stunning even in the absence of the moon.

 “It’s amazing, right?”

“What brought us here though? I don’t think the beach is the best place to be at this hour. It’s way past two and it’s so damn cold out here.”

“I think it’s cool. It’s a great place to drink these!” Ian placed down the cooler filled with ice cold beer and closed the trunk of his car right after.

“No, it’s really cold out here. Give me your jacket!”

 “You’re so damn ungentle man?” She went on with her complaints. “You shouldn’t have disturbed my beauty rest or you could have at least told me where we’re going.” Claire took a packet from her handbag and lit one of the cigarettes in it.

Both her smoking habit and unsolicited remarks did not bother him at all. In fact, Ian and Claire had known each other since 10^th grade and they were already used with each other’s odd behaviours.

They placed a picnic mat on the sand and sat about two seats apart. Ian opened two bottles of beer, gave one to Claire and drank the other one.

“Hey, let’s continue where we left off. Now, where were we? Oh yeah! About your—“

“Claire, please. Enough with the topic.”

She gave him a jokey grin that made him more irate than he was back in the car.

“I told you for the nth time, I wasn’t the one who made the first move. She was obsessed with me plus she got me drunk then—“

“Ohhh so she got you drunk!”

“Yes, she came over my place with her friends and they invited me for a drink.”

“-- at your place? Now that’s weird.” She went on puffing the cigarette on her hand.

“Yes! They brought bottles of whisky with them and we drank until they almost drop. Got that?”

“Ohhh whisky…”

“Yes, whisky! Anne knew that I was a whisky person like my dad and she brought a lot.”

“And now we’re drinking beer in the beach at 3 a.m. How ironic?!”

“Oh come on,” he sounded more pissed “I can’t do this anymore”

 “Okay, I’m sorry! Go ahead with your story.”

He calmed himself by reaching for the lit cigarette from her hand and he finished the stick for her. He knew that not ending the story will never get him unhooked from her scrutiny hence he offhandedly went on with his narration.

“Her friends left us alone in my apartment. We were drunk… then we had sex.”

He finished his first bottle and he started munching on the ships. He opened another bottle while she lit another cigarette.

“You made love.”

“No. We had sex. I told you I didn’t love her.”

“Right. You didn’t. But you had her pregnant and you married her! IN THE CHURCH! WITH ME AS THE BRIDE’S MAID! How convenient was that?”

“Are you mocking me?”

 “I’m not mocking you. I’m telling you a fact that you f***ed her.”

“But I didn’t mean to!”

 “What? You’re married to her for what? 8 years now? Is that right? Wait…” Claire counted the years in her hands from the date of the wedding to the present

“ Eight. It’s eight years but we’ve only been together for less than five.”

“So your point is?” She stated carelessly in a low voice.

She stared at him with that prying look in her eyes waiting for an answer but he never conferred.  She opted to change the topic to lessen the tension, but she gave out yet another heavy subject for him.

“How’s your annulment if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I always mind you asking but you never seem to stop, you little monster!”

He smirked and patted her head a bit. He granted the query a deep thought knowing that she will not allow him to get away from it.

“Let’s just say that it’s tough. It’s quite an emotional encounter especially for my mom. You know how theatrical mom is.”

They mutually leered recalling the instance when Ian’s mum made a scene on his wedding day, telling everyone that she wasn’t prepared for her boy to get married just yet. She always treated him like a kid even now that he’s almost thirty two.

“Can we move on now, please?” He asked.

“So you never loved her?”

Ian asked her yet again to stop. He had grown tired of the topic that she was indisputably familiar with. Claire had this unusual habit of making fun at his expense. He was irritated but he liked that part of her. For him it was endearing and irksome altogether.

Claire finished up her first bottle and didn’t get the next one. She opted to filch the bag of chips that Ian was munching on. All of a sudden her humour disappeared and carried on to her third smoke.

“Just a question” She began.

“Shoot.”

“Why didn’t you court me?”

Silence fell and she felt embarrassed with her own inquiry. She began to play with the sand beside where she was seated as she rehearsed inside her mind how she will continue with the conversation.  

“J-John told me some time ago that you liked me way back in college. He even told me that you attempted to tell me that you lo—“

He burst in laughter while she was dumbfounded and couldn’t understand why he was acting that way. Ian was aware that Claire got annoyed so he gradually stopped. He gulp on the spirit on his hand and composed himself.

“John wasn’t lying.”

“Seriously!?”

“Seriously.”

 “Hmmm… Then why didn’t you pursue me? Was there something wrong with me? I mean…”

They did not utter anything for quite some time. They went on listening to the sound of the waves as they both sank in with their own thoughts while indulging their senses with smoke and alcohol.

At that very moment there was a battle inside Ian’s mind. He was in the urge of telling Claire what he feels but there was a voice inside that was holding him back from doing so. ”You’re too good for me Claire, and there’s nothing that I could offer you.” He told himself.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” He said upon breaking the silence “It’s me.”

“Oh, what a cliché!” She exaggerated. ”You’re such a dumbass! Sometimes I wonder how you became my best bud.”

“That’s because you’re a dumbass, too.”

 She playfully threw some sand at him and gave him few strikes on his arm. In her heart she was hoping to hear answers that will set them free from their never ending what ifs. She didn’t bother to probe though she was dismayed.

Ian handed over another bottle to her. She took it and they both drank again. They tuned in to the sound of nature while they were seated on the sand, now closer to each other.

“So, is this your dramatic goodbye?”

“Yes, this is goodbye. Are you going to cry then?” Ian jokingly responded as he took some chips out of his bag and ate it. Claire allowed him joke about it. She kept on gulping on her beer and indulging herself with cigarette while keeping her composure.

“Ahh, don’t be such a douche bag. I’m going to leave the day after tomorrow. We can still do this tomorrow. Oh shit!” he took a peek on his wrist watch “It’s 4:43. I mean, we can still do this later today.”

“You’re still going to leave. That won’t change a thing.”

He emptied the bottle on his hand and opened another one. He wanted to tell Claire that he doesn’t want to leave anymore. He was thinking about all the possibilities that could happen once he decided to stay. “I can get a job here though it’s not as high paying as my current job. My money in the bank is more than enough to buy a house for us Claire” He told himself “But I won’t do that. I can’t do that to you.”

“I will wait for you.” She said straight to him right after she finished her drink and was heading for the third one.

“Enough for you Miss” Ian made an effort to pull the spirit off her hand but he failed “You’re drunk.”

“No I’m not. And I’ll drink as much as I want to if you don’t mind.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 “I know what I’m saying.” She said to herself as she lifted the cap and drank half of the bottle’s content.

“I told you I will wait for you. Do you understand?” She said again with confidence.

“Don’t do that. You don’t have to do that.”

There was an abrupt change in the atmosphere. The romantic scene of the beach under a starry night disappeared all of the sudden. There they were seated in a room filled with their misery and doubts.

 “I know it’s hard, but I will wait for you.”

“My wife left me a year ago, and that’s because she can’t wait for me.”

“I’m not your wife.”

Pain was evident in his voice. That episode in his life deeply bruised his ego and that made him question his capability as a husband, a father, a provider, and a man. He wanted to move on and his life and work in a foreign land was his only salvation. That was what he believed in from the time when his wife left him to find her own version of adventure with another man.

“I thought you never loved her.”

“She took my daughter with her, that’s why I’m kicking in.”

“I know. Anika was the only reason why you wedded her in the first place.”

He didn’t give a sign if he agreed on that particular note. He just raised his bottle and continued drinking with his eyes fixed on nowhere.

“Sir, that’s your 8^th bottle for tonight”

“Correction, it’s morning.”

“Right.” She sighed “I think you have had enough for this… morning.”

“Don’t worry I’m a hard drinker. You’re the one who gets drunk easily.”

“Well, who got laid for being drunk?”

Ian and Claire stared at each other and laughed. The atmosphere turned lighter.

“The dawn is breaking.”

“Are you trying to sing now?”

“Of course not! You know I don’t sing.” He mumbled “You’re being such a brat again. Why don’t you grow up?”

“I’m just kidding.”

“I know.”

He got this unusual light in his eyes while intimately gazing at her. He pulled her closer to him as they watched the horizon slowly illuminates. In quietness they agreed that some things are better left unsaid as to not to spoil what they had at the moment.

She wrapped her arms around him and spoke softly with passion.

“I will wait for you.”

He closed his eyes and smiled in secret.

For My Soul Mate

I have been crying night after night. You’ve been asking me “why?” but I can’t give you an answer. I know it’s driving you mad seeing me kill myself in my flooding tears.

I’m sorry.

It’s just that my thoughts cannot transform into words as the pain that has been eating my soul is very overwhelming and words can hardly explain how I truly feel. If you only know how frustrated I am with myself, being unable to share to you what is sitting in my heart- the deepest desires and disappointments I have been contemplating for the past few days. If only you have any idea how aggravated I am for feeling inferior when I know I should be strong. I know you were drawn to me for my sense of confidence and my regard to my self-worth and it’s disappointing for you to see me like this.

I have been dying to tell you how I wanted you to comfort me in my darkest hour, how I long for you to embrace me while my body shivers upon hearing the voices of the demons of my past and the shadows that I have created myself. However, my fears are getting the best of me. My thoughts and my heart are craving for you, but the words coming out my mouth are the exact opposite of what I really wanted to happen and what I really wanted you to do. I keep on driving you away, telling you words that cause you pain and confusion. I keep on pushing you to your limits in a negative way so that you may think that you don’t deserve me, as much as I don’t deserve you- or so I thought.

I keep on telling you to go back to your family. I wanted you to go home and stay away from me. I failed to realize that I don’t have to tell you that, since you have always been home, for I am no longer a stranger to you. I am you, and you are me. I am your family. I am your home, so I have to keep you safe and sound, and you have to keep me just the same.

I’m sorry.

I have been regarding myself less than what my real worth is. I’m feeling this way because a part of you makes me feel this way. There are times when I feel like you are beyond my reach and I can barely have you, though you are here with me physically. Again, voices keep on impressing to me that I cannot have you for too long, and soon enough you will leave me and you will never see me again. The thought of you leaving me drives me insane and I cannot bear with it, which is why I am making the first move to compel you so that I will never ever have to wake up one day realizing that you already left me and I am dejected once again.

My extreme fear of losing my partner, my best friend, my best critic, my worst enemy, and my soul mate brought out the worst in me. For several days I have been depressed, misguided, felt unwanted, anxious, and yes maybe I have experienced lunacy. All of those sank in my blood streams and I have done and said a lot of illogical things. For a moment, I have forgotten who I am, just because I am deeply in love.

But now, I am starting to realize that I have to go back to myself. Once again, I have to find my real self so that I can continue to love you and express that love the right way. Yes, I have become obsessed for the reason that you are the best that I have now apart from my family who are obviously irreplaceable whether I like it or not. Apart from my parents, you are the only one who have loved me and accepted me for who I am. You never judged me. You just embraced the person that I am and I thank you for that. Because of you, I love myself more. I am learning to give myself what is really due to me. I am learning to appreciate myself for what I can and cannot do.  

It is true that for the past few days, I have been battling with myself. For the past few days I have been walking astray. Thank you, because you have been patient with me. Thank you for trying to read between the lines and trying to understand my point of view, even if we both know that we are looking at things in different perspectives. Thank you, because you are struggling to put an end to my inner struggles and for pulling me back on track where you and I can journey together. Thank you, for giving me an assurance by hugging me while I’m trembling in the dark. Thank you for struggling with me and for seeing my beauty in my most ungraceful moment. Thank you for making me feel that I am loved, just when I thought I have lost it. Thank you for stressing out that I am imperfect, and our imperfection makes us perfect for each other. And lastly, thank you for making me fall in love with you over and over again.

I am in love with you. And I will always do.

Casting Spell 101

“Pain and sufferings be gone!!!”

The Magus casts a powerful spell to his very young apprentice who was too anxious due to the presence of her invisible enemies. In an instant, the young apprentice stopped feeling anxious and a new wave of valour and peace covered her. She then felt an incredible strength in front of the enemies after the spell has been emitted.

Well, that happened in one of the anime shows I used to watch when I was younger. Whenever I remember that episode, I can’t help but wish- I wish it is the same in reality. I wish that in a single spell, pain and sufferings will be gone and everyone can have their own version of happy ending. Unfortunately, that is not the case because in reality, everyone deals with different anxiety-causing situations which could either sustain or lose their sanity, one way or another.

For the past few days or weeks (I really can’t remember when it all started) I begun feeling dejected due to personal events that took place a couple of years ago and the most recent one took place few weeks ago. What is so disheartening about those events are, they are forming like a certain pattern which leads me to think that I am becoming a victim of those uncalled circumstances -thinking that life is indeed unfair to most of us.

As a Christian, I have resolved to give way and forgive those people who have recently caused me pain and sufferings. Those people who have brought anxiety that caused quite a few sleepless nights on my part. I was too stressed out that tummy continued to contract (yes I was 8 months pregnant when all those things were happening) and because I didn’t want my partner to worry that much about my condition, I kept the physical and emotional pain to myself. Although he saw me crying for a lot of times, I never told him what was really happening inside me. I tried to convince my partner to let everything slip away and let God lead us to the path that is right for us and we should not do anything else but to forgive.

In my mind and my soul I know we are doing the right thing since we chose to pardon them and let go and let everything fall into its rightful place. I thought that everything will be fine but the resolution that I have imposed to myself led to inner conflict since the condition of my heart is unwell. My heart is battered and bruised and it looks like it is not willing to let go and forgive just yet. My heart still feels the pain and it is suffering because of it. It can still remember those pairs of condemning eyes, and the content of those piercing words, and the throbbing of our spirits when we were asked to leave the house in the middle of the night. My heart can still remember the physical (because of premature labour) and emotional pain while we were walking on the streets at 2 am looking for a place to stay for the night and prepare for tomorrow’s another battle round. I chose to forgive. My mind pushed that idea down to my heart. My heart kept silent until pain awakens itself in my unconscious mind that later on resurfaced to my consciousness.

I thought forgiveness is easy for the reason that my conscience is unsoiled and I know for a fact that I did not do anything to cause pain to those people who are involved (or to those who have involved their selves even if they are not suppose to be counted). I did not know that it is going to be this hard. I did not know that my heart is going to be rebellious to my mind’s decision in giving absolution to those who are not even willing to ask for forgiveness. Me, myself, and I are in constant combat causing my consciousness to turn out to be more restless than it is suppose to be.

My heart wants some sort of clemency so that God may forgive me for unintentionally holding grudges against those people. My mind is telling my heart to forgive myself and reconsider the situations that happened in the past. I have to forgive myself and tell myself that all of us are one and the same- just plain human beings who are prone to errors and therefore shall be forgiven and given another chance just like what Jesus constantly do whenever we fall and ask for mercy.  After all, those are just memories and they are all in the past. Those events can never be rebuilt and the words spoken that bruised my whole being can never be retrieved. They are already there whether we like it or not. My mind is telling my heart to liberate itself from angst and anger and invite positive vibes like love and peace which are more helpful and constructive to self and less deceiving compared to grudge.

My heart is crying for freedom from pain and sufferings. How I wish a simple spell like what the Magus casted on his apprentice can get rid of those in my heart and let me be the person whom I wanted to be again- person free from hatred and a person who is more forgiving and understanding and less selfish. 

Farewell

Somewhere in this city you are now here dreaming about your dreams while I am wide awake thinking about what might have been. It was almost perfect between you and me. The world seemed to revolve around us while we were chasing down adventures enticing our path. It was a crazy journey- an adventure that others ever wanted to have that never came across their entire lifetime. It was perfect though it seems but they are not.

 No, it was not just summer loving. The feeling still lingers though it has been more than a year since we last saw each other. I wish I would not have let go of your hand while you were still holding mine. I wish I could have stared at your face for as long as I possibly can. I could have embraced you up to the last second during our last night alone. I would not have let go of you if I just knew that I could not stand not having you by my side knowing that you are just around somewhere far from me here within this small city. 

How I wanted to see you, to touch you, and to be with you, but my heart does not have the guts to do any of those for I have already let go of you and that was what I have told you and that was what I believed in the whole time that you were away. Now that you are around, I know that it is all coming back, but this is not how it is suppose to be.

How I wish I could tell you that I waited for you just like what I have promised, but that remains a wishful thinking, knowing that we are suppose to move on and head back home where we can be our old selves again. No longer a couple of carefree spirits running around the streets of the city where everybody knows everybody. All what is left is a bundle of memories that we may reminisce in times of loneliness, when we can comfort ourselves with the illusion of joy or happiness, whatever applies to our hearts.

Now, it is better to leave things unsaid and undone, for they may just give birth to the feelings that long been buried in the past. Its ghost is indeed a beautiful memoirs shared by two people who once comforted and fell for each other. Faithful enough to its word, those are merely memories of past lovers and nothing more than that.