Sometimes it feels like I'm waiting for nothing. It's more like wasting time for something that is not feasible at all. Often times I think I'm being such a jerk for believing in something so surreal with zero guarantee that you will return the favor of what I'm doing for you. There are times when I think maybe I should back down because I'm afraid that things will never be the same once you're back.
Few months back, my life is a total bore. It's a product of everyday routine and everything were so predictable. It was like this: I wake up in the morning, go to work... work... work... until the sun goes down, then go home, eat, play with my mini-me, then sleep. 100% sure, the same thing will happen the next day, over and over again. However, one faithful day changed the course of this routine when I met a man seated on my favorite spot in my favorite restaurant. I never knew that, that man will break the bore in my everyday habit. I never knew that, that man who asked me out for lunch will bring so much in me that will rejuvenate my soul and revive it from being degraded.
Today is the 100th day from the time I met that strange man who made me feel good about myself once again. A man who made me realize that it is still possible to pick up the pieces of me and live a life as if I was never broken. It continues to amaze me how an odd stranger could give me so much comfort and warmth. I never imagined a stranger can get this close and effortlessly enter my personal space and I never felt offended by it.
Now that man is faraway from where I am. We are geographically more or less 5000 miles away from each other for exactly Seventy Nine days (yup, as of today). I admit that I miss him more everyday. Who wouldn't miss a crazy man like that? When I think about the distance between us, I think my admiration for him -if you can call it admiration- should have diminished or could have been gone by now, but it really makes me wonder why it's so different when it comes to him. It's totally different.
Here's a fun fact, we've been together "physically" for less than Twenty One days. In that Twenty One days, we went out, drink and had fun with friends (his friends). However, I wouldn't deny that the ones that I treasure the most are the moments we spent alone with each other wherein we have talked about our differences, experiences, and how we perceive things that affected who and what we are now. As a matter of fact, those handful of memories of togetherness were the times that I could say that I felt most like me; times wherein I don't have to pretend to be somebody else just to fit in and avoid being disliked by the person I like. Those were the only times wherein I felt like I don't have to hold back with what I wanted to say or do because I was so confident that I was with someone who will never dare to judge me since he has embraced me despite of my flaws. For me, he was more like a home. For now, my home is gone but he'll be back in more or less 200 days.
Low and behold, I decided to wait for him until he comes back. Indeed I committed myself to an agreement (I think the word "bet" is more appropriate) with someone who is not related to me. Well, at least we claim that we are friends, so that shouldn't hurt. Anyway, I decided to wait for him even without strings attached. I have been waiting for him for Seventy Nine days, and as of the moment, I don't think I have any valid reasons to back down from this deal. Until now, it's not yet resolved as to why am I doing this and why I diligently stick to my word, considering that I do hate him under different circumstances.
I do hate him, really, I do! Especially when he talks like a girl. He just talks as if there's no tomorrow and he gives unsolicited, uncensored piece of his mind and he doesn't even consider those people who will get hurt because of his ugly mouth. Most of the time I think he's too honest for himself or, he just can't stop his mouth and I can't handle him in all honesty. He can't control his mouth and sometimes I think he is such a nosy, insensitive brat who doesn't act his age. Given these, I have reasons to drop the deal and I am free to take back my word and not wait for him but I won't do that. Why? Because, the things I hate about him and his actions that annoys me the most are the same reasons why I admire him and I why I have this fondness of him.
It's true that I believe he is such an insensitive hag but I don't count him as a heartless person. I think he is a sensitive person who is just scared to show his sensitivity. I think he does that to block all his other emotions as to not let himself activate his soft spot. Well, I'm giving him credits for doing a great job in trying to exert effort to hide himself in his shadow but he can't hide from my eyes even when they are close, because I can definitely feel his soul. My heart says that the boy hidden in the core of that barrier that his shadow built is a very good man.
I am never ashamed to admit that I admire him so much. He is not physically attractive, but he will always be attractive to me. For One Hundred days he made me care for him this much without him knowing that (or maybe he does know but he is such a pretentious man to admit it). I've been calculating risks and my rational thought is telling me not to pursue any longer, but then again, no regrets. i chose to continue because I wanted to do so. There is only one thing that could stop me from this madness and so far, it's out of the picture. Given that, I prefer to hold on to whatever it is that I am holding on to.
It's been a Hundred days, and that One Hundred days made me stronger and vulnerable both at the same time. For One Hundred days I learned to forgive and let go of what is holding me back from a blissful life. In One Hundred days I changed a lot. In One Hundred days, I felt a lot and my knees had melted down due to different reason both positive and negative. Then again, no regrets for it has been One hell of a joyride.
